Letting Go
by umklaine
Summary: After Kurt commits suicide, Blaine has trouble accepting it. (A journal written by Blaine.)
1. September

**September 5**

Is it true, Kurt? Did you really 'take your life' like Burt said? He called me this morning when he got home, when he found you.. Kurt I've got to believe your still alive. I've got believe that it was all a misunderstanding, that it wasn't what it looked like, that you're alive and you're breathing, and that when I call you tonight like I always do you'll pick up and I'll be able to hear your voice and relax when you laugh and say it was a mistake. God I wish this wasnt true. But I keep calling and calling your cell phone and every time it goes to voicemail after it rings for a minute. God Kurt, just pick up your phone!

**September 6**

I'm still trying to figure out why you did it. I can't seem to wrap my head around it; the fact that you're gone. Without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. Burt shut your phone off and told me to stop calling. He told me you weren't coming back, that no matter how many times I dial your number you're not gonna pick up. I can't accept that yet, Kurt. I can't accept the fact that the only time I'm ever gonna hear your voice anymore is when I call your phone and it goes to voice mail, or that now I'm only gonna hear your laugh when I watch those videos we made a few months ago on our date. I haven't cried yet, because if I cry it means its true, it means that you're gone and you're never coming back and I can't handle that.

**September 8**

Jesus, Kurt! Why? Why why why why why why? God dammit Kurt you could have just talked to me. You could have talked to Rachel or Burt or Carole or Finn or someone, anyone. I would have sat up all night and listen to you, all your problems and your fears. I would have been there for you, you know I would've. Why did you leave me, Kurt? You said you'd never say goodbye.

**September 12**

It's been a week. I haven't gotten out of bed or showered or tried to tame my curls that you loved so much in a week. Burt came over twice already, and I don't think I can see him again. He looks so.. Tired and broken. He's got the biggest bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in a few days, which I assume he hasn't. I haven't. I still haven't cried. I won't cry.

**September 13**

Rachel came to see me today. I tried to kick her out but she wouldn't leave until I swallowed down some of that god awful food she brought over. It tasted like shit, it was nothing like your cooking. When are you coming home, Kurt? I miss your cooking.

**September 14**

The funeral was today. I didn't really know what to expect to be honest. Funerals aren't cheerful or happy, they're depressing and sad and you know how much I hate depressing and sad. My whole day was filled with people shaking my hand and hugging me and telling me how sorry they were for my loss. They're not sorry, though. They just don't know what else to say. It was like it was out of a movie, almost. It was full of people crying and sniffling and talking about how much they loved you and how much they'll miss you. You know what the funny part was, though? It was people like Mike and Mr. Shue. They didn't even know you, not really. Not like I did. Burt did a really nice job organizing it though. You would've been proud, I think. He, Carole, Finn, Rachel, Mercedes, and a few other people spoke about you up at the podium during the service. It was nice. I wanted to stand up there and talk, but I couldn't. What was I gonna say? I could've talked about how much I loved you or how perfectly amazing you were, but it wouldn't have mattered. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd said all those things to all those people because all those people weren't you. The only person I would ever want to say those things to is you, but I can't say them to you now cause you're gone.

**September 16**

My mom made me go back to school today. She said I couldn't miss anymore days or I'd fall too far behind to catch up. God it was hell. I didn't pay any attention in any of my classes. People kept coming up to me and mumbling stupid bullshit about how they're sorry and if there was anything they could do to let them know. Rachel and Mercedes didn't leave my side all day though, and I'm glad they didn't. They helped me through the day. I don't know how they're managing to keep it together.

**September 20**

Last night I went over to see Burt and Carole and Finn. I brought them back the box of stuff you had in my room, I figured they'd want it. Carole looks a mess, its so weird cause shes always so put together. Finn and Burt just look tired and Finn's been really quiet, even at school. I guess he's been slacking in football, too. Puck says he's tried everything he could think of to cheer him up a little, to get his head back in the game but it hasn't really worked. Anyways, I wanted to keep that box of stuff ya know. I did. But I couldn't. It would've been too hard, and it wasn't my stuff to keep. It belonged to you and its up to Burt what he wants to do with it. I did keep one thing, though. That scarf, you know the one. It's gray and its so soft, and I remember it cause its the one you wore on our first date, and then you wore it again the day you told me you loved me. I was gonna keep the promise ring I gave to you for Christmas too, but I decided not to because I gave that to you, and I made a promise. If I took it back I'd be breaking my promise and you know I never break promises. I'm a man of my word.

**September 21**

I'm switching between being so angry with you and feeling nothing. I wanna be angry with you, god Kurt I want to be so angry with you. How could you leave me in this shit hole? We were supposed to graduate together! We were supposed to leave Lima and move to New York and get married and build a life together! How could you just leave all that behind? I get angry and then I feel nothing almost a second later. How could I be angry with you, after everything you've been through? You've been through hell and back, but you were so so strong. You're the strongest person I've ever known. Between people treating you like shit all your life and losing your mom so young.. I just have never met anyone with your strength and I probably never will. But I don't feel anything, yet. Am I supposed to feel something, Kurt? Ever since I found out its like I've had no emotions. The only time I feel something is the few short seconds when I get angry with you, but it never lasts very long. It's like I've lost the ability to feel, and I can honestly say I think I like it better this way.

**September 29**

I cried today. I was taking a shower this morning and I remembered how we used to take one together in the mornings when you spent the night at my house during the summer. I started shaking even with that steaming water pounding down on me and then I couldn't breathe and it was like my chest was going to explode. I cried in the shower until the water ran cold and then I got out cried some more. I didn't leave my room all day, but that was fine cause my parents weren't home anyways. They're never home. I laid in bed for a long time after I was done crying, just staring up at the ceiling. I remember you always used to complain about the cracks in it and how the ceiling fan didn't match the rest of the room. Then I started thinking about the last day I saw you. That was one of the best dates we ever had, I think. We went to lunch at Breadstix, and then we came back to your house and had one of our movie marathons. You got mad at me cause I put whipped cream from my hot chocolate in your hair so you hit me with a pillow. It turned into some pretty hot making out from there and then your dad came home just as we were pulling apart. Its not like Burt hadn't walked in on us before, but it never failed to be embarrassing. Around midnight Burt made me go home, and you walked me out. If I'd known 'goodnight' really meant 'goodbye' I guess I would've tried to kiss you a little longer that night.

**September 30**

I started crying today because I couldn't remember how it felt to kiss you.


	2. October

**October 2**

I went out on the roof today, like we used to do all the time last summer. I think my parents came in to check on me while I was out there, but if they saw me they didn't say anything. I went out there in the morning around 7, just as the sun was starting to come up and it turned the sky that peach color that you loved so much. It made me miss you more, I think, because the whole time I was just wishing you were sitting next to me, holding my hand and laughing at some stupid joke I told you that probably wasn't even funny. That's one of the things I loved about you; you laughed at my jokes even when they weren't funny. I went out to the roof again around lunch time, but I had to come back inside because it reminded me of our picnic and I was afraid I would start crying again. Around 10 o'clock tonight I went back out. Actually, I'm sitting out here right now. It's dark out though, and I'm looking at the stars. When people die do they go to heaven? What if you're one of those stars in the sky right now? I hope that when someone dies they don't just stop living. I hope there's at least a part of you that's still alive.

**October 4**

It's been a month.

**October 5 **

Burt called me today. It was kind of an awkward phone call, because what do you say to the father of your boyfriend after he commits suicide? He told me that if I wanted to, I could still come over, that I was welcome there any time. I love Burt, and Carole and Finn. A lot. I do. But I can't go over there, not yet. Cause whenever I used to go over there it was to be with you and now that you're not there I don't know why I would go there. It would be just another reminder that you're not coming back.

**October 7**

Burt asked me to clean out your locker today. It was hard. I waited until the end of the day, when everyone had already left so I could do it alone. There wasn't much in there, really. Mostly just text books and notebooks that I returned to the teachers or threw away. I did find something though. That picture you showed me back when we first met, the one of you and your mother. She really was beautiful. You had her eyes. It was taped to the door, next to the one of us on our 2 year anniversary. We were together for 2 years, Kurt. But still, you couldn't come talk to me? I just.. don't understand. I wish you could talk to me, because I need you to help me understand. Help me understand what I did wrong and why I couldn't save you.

**October 10 **

I don't get how everything is still happening. The world is still turning, the sun is still coming up every morning and the stars come out every night. The birds still sing and dogs still bark and people still laugh. How can that all be happening still? How can people be moving on with their lives when you're gone? I don't get it.

**October 12**

I miss you so fucking much.

**October 15**

I'm really lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I just supposed to carry on with my life? Pretend the last two years of my life with you never happened? I don't know how to keep going. I don't know how to live without you, Kurt. I keep going to bed at night thinking that this is all just a bad dream and that I'll wake up the next morning and you'll be laying next to me, running your fingers through my curls like you always did. And then when I groaned and mumbled about how early it was you would flash me that perfect smile that you hated so much and I would just melt into your side and go back to sleep. But every day I wake up and I live the same hell over and over again.

**October 17**

It's Saturday and I put on jeans for the first time in over a month. I don't know what to do now, though. I'm dressed with nowhere to go, because I always spent my Saturdays with you.

**October 18**

I spent the day with Wes and David. They called me this morning and asked me if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was nice. We went to the movies and then just walked around the mall for a few hours. It was kind of hard, being at the mall. It was one of your favorite places. It was okay other than that. I missed them. But I miss you more.

**October 21**

I heard our song on the radio today. I was in the car with my mom and _Teenage Dream_ came on. I started crying out of nowhere but she didn't say anything. She didn't even question it. She just kept driving. My god, Kurt, I miss you so much.

**October 27**

It's almost November. The only reason I remember what day it is anymore is because I've been writing. My parents want me to go see a therapist. I don't wanna go. Why should I? It hasn't even been two months yet, but they want me to get over it? I don't know what they want from me. But I'm not going to see a therapist. There's nothing wrong with me.

**October 31**

Halloween was always your favorite holiday, besides Christmas. Remember last year when we dressed up as Snookie and The Situation? You made a hot girl. Is that weird? That was the best Halloween of my life. This one is the worst. I miss your friends. Rachel's throwing a party, maybe I'll go over for a few hours. It's better than sitting here.


	3. November

**November 1**

Your friends really miss you, Kurt. Last night's party was nothing like they used to be. Remember when Rachel threw that party back when we were just friends? And Puck broke in to her dads' alcohol cabinet? After a few drinks everyone was super drunk, except for you and Finn. Brittany started stripping and Sam and Santana were making out on the couch. Then we played Spin the Bottle and I kissed Rachel. Then I had this stupid idea that maybe I was bi, and that it wouldn't hurt to 'experiment.' Oh, my gosh. I'm laughing just thinking about it. I'm never gonna live that down, am I? That party was awesome, though. Last night was fun, but not as fun as it used to be. Mercedes and Rachel tried to act normal, ya know? Like nothing happened. Like everything was okay. Puck, Artie, Brit and Santana weren't really into though. I just got really drunk with Finn. Finn's doing better, I guess. We talked for a while before we started drinking. He told me your dad is still a little out of it, and Carole's been real quiet. He said Burt sometimes cries himself to sleep, late at night when he thinks everyone is asleep. Finn said he always hears him though, he said he doesn't get much sleep anymore. I don't think any of us do.

**November 4**

Two months without you.

**November 6**

It's not getting any easier, being without you. Is it always gonna be this hard to get out of bed in the morning? To force myself through school? To put a smile on my face everyday when all I wanna do is cry? Am I always going to feel like this? So helpless? Lost? Sad? Angry? Unhappy? I can't snap myself out of it and I'm starting to wonder if this is what I've become. This is my life now, isn't it?

**November 13 **

I'm failing three of my classes. I may not graduate, not unless I can get them back up before June. I think I can do that. Even though I don't know if I want to graduate anymore. What's out there for me? Nothing. We were supposed to leave this place together, but now it's just me and I don't know what to do anymore. New York isn't an option for me anymore, I don't think. That was _our _future, not mine. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I wanted to be with you but that's not an option anymore either. So I guess I'm kind of stuck right now.

**November 15**

Finn called me today. He told me he'd help me study for the exams coming up before Christmas break. Weird, huh? Usually we'd be the ones tutoring him, but somehow through all this shit he's been able to keep his grades up. Finn's gonna go really far, I think. He's got potential, even if sometimes he doesn't see it. You taught him that, you know. You taught him that he's special. I wish you could've seen how special you were.

**November 18**

I went to your house after school today, so Finn could help me study. It was probably a bad idea, I think. It made my heart hurt to sit there in your house, knowing you weren't there. I tried to focus on what Finn was telling me but I don't think I learned anything. Carole asked me to stay for dinner, so I did. She set a spot for you at the table. Burt didn't talk much. I really miss when I used to go there for Friday Night Family Dinners. Those were so much less awkward, and you were still here.

**November 19**

Yesterday me and Carole had a very.. _interesting _conversation. She was cleaning up after dinner when I walked into the kitchen and Burt and Finn were in the living room. I asked her if she needed any help and she said yeah so I started to wash the dishes while she dried them. Neither of us really talked for a few minutes, and then she said something I don't think I can forget.

"It's okay to be sad, Blaine. It's okay to be angry and want to throw things or hit something, and it's okay to scream and cry until you don't think you can anymore." I just looked at her and nodded. Because that's the thing, I think I reached that point. I don't think I can cry anymore. I want to, but I can't. I want to be angry, but I can't. How could I be angry with you? And it doesn't matter how loud I scream because no one hears me. I just want to stop feeling like this.

**November 23**

I went back to Glee Club yesterday, for the first time since.. you know. Mr. Shue welcomed me back and then everyone was talking to me about you and how great you were and I just _broke. _Who were they to tell _me_ how great you were? I KNOW. I know how great you were and how wonderful and beautiful and perfect, I know. I want everyone to stop telling me how amazing you were, because it just makes me miss you more. I want everyone to stop fucking tiptoe-ing around me like I'm some kind of bomb that might go off at any second, but mostly I just want you to come back. Please, Kurt. I need you to come back because I can't do this anymore.

**November 25**

I was just thinking about that night. The night Burt called me. I remember I was in the kitchen sitting on the counter, watching my mom cook dinner. It was one of the only nights both of my parents were home and my mom wanted to have a nice dinner. When the phone rang I answered it cause it was right next to where I was sitting, and your dad said _"It's Kurt," _and somehow.. somehow I think I _knew. _I didn't know that you were dead but I knew something was really, really wrong, because why would Burt have called me at home? I remember my mom yelled at me cause I dropped the phone in the pot of rice on the stove and I ran out the door without so much as a 'goodbye.' I ran all the way to your house, Kurt. All the way to your goddamn house and no one was even there. So I turned around and I ran to Rachel's house, and she wasn't home either. And I remember thinking, _where the hell is everyone?" _And then I pulled out my phone and stood in the middle of the street calling you. I called you once and no one picked up; it went straight to your voice mail.

_"You've reached Kurt, I'm not here right now. Blaine, baby, if that's you, I'll call you back. Dad, I'll be home soon. Don't bother leaving a message cause you know I won't check it. I love you." _That was the first time I ever heard your voice mail, because you always picked up when I called. _Always._

**November 27**

I don't know if I ever told you about the day my grandma died. I know I told you about how much she meant to me though. She was the only person, before I met you, that understood me. She knew I was gay and she still accepted me, even when my own parents struggled to. The day she died was the worst day of my life, besides the day I learned about your death. I hadn't seen her since Christmas, and it was like January something. The 5th, I think. I was in my room when my mom came in and told me. At first I thought it was some kind of sick joke. Then it hit me, but it was like I couldn't feel anything. Like when Burt told me about you. I don't know why I thought of that today. The two days were really similar, I guess.

**November 30 **

It's going on three months and I still can't really believe it. I'm living in denial. You're not dead. You can't be dead. I'm gonna call you and you're gonna pick up and laugh at me because of how worried I sound, and I'm gonna wanna be mad at you for pulling such a fucked up prank but I'm not gonna be because I could never be mad at you.


	4. December

**December 4**

It's December 4, 2012 and I love you and I miss you. But the date doesn't matter, because it could be June 17, 2030 and I would still love you and I would still miss you.

**December 5**

Fuck, I miss you.

**December 7**

Christmas is coming up and it's your absolute favorite holiday, or at least it was. I don't want to spend Christmas this year with my family, I want to spend it with you. But you're not here. I was thinking of asking Burt if I could go over there for the day, because it's as close to you as I'll get, but I don't know. Things are sometimes awkward there, but I miss Carole and Burt.

**December 10**

My parents aren't gonna be home for Christmas this year. I'm glad. I still haven't asked Burt if I can come, but I know I will. If I don't I'll be spending Christmas by myself, and no one should be alone on Christmas. You told me that.

**December 12**

I forgot that I pre-ordered your Christmas gift for this year. It arrived this morning. It's a silver chain with a heart pendant on it. I had our date inscribed on it. I saw it at the jewelry store downtown and I immediately thought of you. I can picture you rolling your eyes at me right now, but don't worry. It wasn't too expensive, and you deserve all the things money can buy anyways. You're not here for me to give it to, though, so I don't know what to do with it.

**December 16**

We had the first snowfall of the year today. I sat out on the roof and watched it fall in the street, and all I could think about was last December, that day we walked to the Lima Bean and it started snowing on our way back. Everything about that walk back was perfect; the way you giggled when the snow landed on your nose, the way you tilted your head back to catch the snow flakes on your tongue, the way you grabbed my hand and ran down the street spinning in circles. It's the moments like those that I miss the most. You don't really think much about the little things until you don't have them anymore.

**December 19**

I wish to god I could see your eyes. They were amazing, you know. They were the perfect blend of blue and green and they were absolutely stunning. I could've stared into them all day long if you'd let me. I miss the way they used to light up when you talked about the things you loved, like Glee Club and singing, and Burt. Those eyes always held so much emotion, and I was always able to look into them and know exactly what you were feeling, even if you didn't tell me.

**December 20**

I called Burt today, but Carole picked up. She said I could come over, of course, that I was always welcome there. She knows how my parents are anyways. You told her, didn't you? Anyways, I passed my exams. I'll be graduating, as long as I keep my grades where they are now. That shouldn't be a problem, though. I've been throwing myself into everything I do now, school, music, boxing. Anything to keep myself from missing you. It works for the most part. It makes it so that I can't think about anything except what I'm doing at the moment. It's the worst at night, though. Especially at night. There's nothing for me to focus on, nothing to take my mind away from it and all I can think about is that fact that you're gone. You're still gonna be gone when I wake up in the morning and you're still gonna be gone when I go to sleep the next night. I haven't cried in a while and I'm starting to think maybe I can't anymore, that it's physically impossible for me to cry anymore. Is this how you felt when your mom died? It's awful. I'm sorry you ever went through the hell that I am right now.

**December 22**

Mom and Dad left for California today. They're going to spend the holidays with Cooper. I'm not surprised, though. They've missed him. I have too. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I said no.

"I'm spending Christmas with the Hummels," I said. My mom just looked at me with a hint of pity in her eyes and my dad just nodded. I've been spending a lot of my time on the roof. Sometimes on the nights when I can't sleep I climb out there and lay down, even when it's below freezing out. I just lay there and look at the stars and wonder if you can still see me from where you are. If you're watching, can you send me a sign? Something to let me know you're still here.

**December 25 **

Do you remember that playlist you made me on my iPod? It's still there. I listen to it sometimes, but not a lot because it reminds me too much of you. I was listening to it today on the way over to Burt's and it landed on _'Baby It's Cold Outside.'_ I couldn't help but smile because I remembered the time before we got together that we sung it together in the lounge room at Dalton. You sounded amazing, singing that. I meant what I said about no female being able to sing it better than you. You had the most amazing voice. It made me melt every time I heard it. I just wish I could hear you sing one more time. Dinner was actually enjoyable. It was the happiest I've been since September, and it was because I was with your family. It wasn't awkward, and we spent a lot of the day talking about you, believe it or not. We just talked about all of the memories we had with you, and Burt told us about when you were a little boy. He showed me some pictures, too. You were so adorable. Then we opened presents. Well, Finn, Burt, and Carole opened presents. I watched. I didn't mind, though. I don't like presents, you know that. But when Burt handed me the little box with my name on it I was shocked. And then I saw your writing on it and I swear I could have started crying right there. I don't know, something about your tiny writing and the fact that there was something left of you.. I don't know. But the bracelet is beautiful, Kurt. Thank you, I love it. The way you had '_I'll never say goodbye.' _inscribed on the inside actually did make me start crying. I know what I'm gonna do with the necklace I bought you. I'll wear it, along with the bracelet. It seems like the right thing to do. And I'm never taking the bracelet off, not if it means a piece of you will still be with me. Call me a silly romantic, but I'm serious. Anyway, Christmas with the Hummels was great. I just wish you could've been here to spend it with us. All of us; we miss you so much. I love you. Merry Christmas, Kurt.

**December 31**

It's a few minutes til New Years. My parents are still in Cali and I'm home alone. Burt invited me to come spend New Years with them, but I decided to stay home. I can only be around them a little at a time, you know? I'm not used to going there without being able to see you. And that look of being tired and sad all the time won't leave Burt's face. It's been 4 months and I still don't think he's sleeping well. I haven't been. I think Finn's doing a little better though. He's angry a lot of the time. I think it's because he feels like he should have done more. He should have stood up for you more, he should have confronted Karofsky and all the others. He did enough, though. I wish he could see that. Because he blames himself, but it wasn't his fault. Even I know that. It wasn't any of our faults and part of me thinks that's a little worse. Because now we don't know who's fault it is and we have all this anger but no one to aim it at. Finn uses his anger for football. He's been playing so much better and I think that has a lot to do with it. He gets to go out on the field and truck the shit out people he doesn't know. I've taken up boxing again, so I know how it feels. It helps a ton.


	5. January

**January 1**

It's not really a Happy New Year. I wish you were still here because I remember how much you loved to watch the ball drop on TV, and then right after that your dad would pull you into a big hug and whisper 'happy New Year, kiddo," in your ear. And I remember specifically last year, when I spent New Years with you and you ran onto my roof to watch the fireworks. We sat out there for hours, just watching the fireworks. And then when they were over we just sat and talked and kissed and it was perfect. Do you remember that? Wherever you are, I hope you're able to remember these things the way I do.

**January 3**

It's my mom's birthday. I called her and told her happy birthday, but they won't be back for another 2 days so I'm still here by myself. I like being alone, though. I used to like to spend my free time (when I wasn't with you) hanging out with Wes and David, or Mike and Puck and sometimes Finn, but now I prefer to be alone. Hanging out with the Glee kids hits too close to home; they were your friends first anyways. Without you around it just feels kind of awkward, like I don't have a place there. Plus all they ever do now is look at me like I'm about to break.. It's annoying and kind of upsetting. I just can't handle being around all of them. They miss you. We all do.

**January 5 **

My parents landed today. I went to pick them up at the airport a few hours ago, actually. They said they had a good time, and that Coop misses me. They said he's doing well and his apartment is nice. That's good, I guess. I'm glad someone's happy. My mom was really tired so she went to go lay down, but my dad asked me if we could talk so we went to the living room. You probably know how much I was freaking out inside, my dad never wants to talk. At first he just asked me what I was planning on doing after this year. We're seniors, anyway. He asked what colleges I applied to and what I wanted to major in. I was gonna tell him NYADA, but.. Would I still go there? Without you? I honestly don't know. I told him I was thinking of majoring in journalism. That's what you thought I should do. I think I could see myself doing that. Maybe. Anyway, then he asked me how I was doing. I said okay; what the hell was I supposed to say? "My boyfriend _killed himself_ four months ago, I miss him like crazy and I feel like crying or sleeping all the time?" I couldn't tell him that. So I just said I'm okay. I like to think I will be, eventually.

**January 9 **

The days go by so slow and they just drag on. I feel like I'm not _moving_ anywhere; I'm still in the same spot I was 4 months ago. I don't want to eat or write (besides when I write these); I don't even go to Glee anymore. I haven't sang in 4 months and 5 days. Not since the day I got that call. I still don't know _why_ you did what you did and I don't know if I'll ever know. I can't get you back but I wish I could at least know why.

**January 11**

I listened to that playlist you made again today. _'Let It Snow_' started playing while I was walking to the bus stop and I had to stop for a minute and lean against the wall. You remember when we sang that together? I do. I remember everything we ever did together. That was one of my favorites. It was one of yours too.

**January 12**

It's been snowing here a lot lately. Every time it does I think about that time last December. You were so beautiful that day; so carefree and perfect. You seemed so happy then. What the hell happened to you, Kurt?

**January 15**

I walked to your house today. It's only two blocks from mine but it seemed so much longer by foot. And the last time I went there by foot was the day I got that call. Plus it was cold and snowing and I could see my breath whenever I exhaled. I just wanted to see Burt. Check in on him and Carole and Finn, see how they're doing. They've had your family members coming and going since the holidays, since it's their first without you. I don't know how Burt's managed to deal with all of that. I would've screamed at all of them until they left me the hell alone. But Burt's not like that, and if he felt that way he didn't hint at it. When I got there your Aunt Karen and Uncle Henry were there. I remember meeting them that one time two summers ago at a cook out or something. It was before we started dating. They were there for an hour or so after I go there but then they left and Carole took Finn with her to the grocery store so it was just me and Burt. We were sitting in the living room when he started talking.

"How are you, kid?" The way he said 'kid' made my heart hurt a little because it sounded like he wanted to say 'kiddo', because that's what he called you.

"I'm okay," He obviously knew I was lying but he didn't push it because he knew if I had asked him the same question he would've said the same thing; that he was okay.

"I cleaned out his room today." When he said this I noticed for the first time that he doesn't say your name anymore. Maybe it hurts too much to try. I didn't say anything, so he kept talking."I found some stuff you might want." That's when I noticed the cardboard box sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He handed it to me and I remember thinking for a fraction of a second that he wanted me to go through it all right there, but I know Burt better than that. He would never make me do something so _personal_ in front of him. It's now 10:34pm, the box is sitting across from me on my bed while I write this and I still haven't touched it yet. I don't know when I will, or if I can.

**January 22**

A week. It's been a week since Burt gave me that box and it's still sitting in the exact spot I left it that day. I haven't opened it yet because I'm _scared._ I'm scared to open that box because it's been four months since you left me and it still hurts. God, it hurts _so fucking much_ Kurt. It doesn't hurt as much as it did before, but I'm afraid that if I open that box it'll hurt just as much as it did those first two months.

**January** **27**

I saw Finn after school today. I stayed after school for a few hours to use the punching bag in the locker room and he was in there after football practice. It was weird, because when I found him it was an hour after practice had already ended but he was still there, sitting on the bench with his back against the lockers. He had his shoulder pads and everything on still and he was just _sitting _there, staring at the lockers in front of him. I sat down next to him but we didn't talk for a long time. When we did, he said one thing.

"I miss him." And then he was crying, he was crying so fucking hard and I didn't know what the hell to do because no one ever cried in front of me except for you. But he wasn't you and I couldn't comfort him like I comforted you. We sat there for a really long time, even after he stopped crying. "I know," I said. "I miss him too."

**January 31**

The box is haunting me. It's still just sitting there and I don't want to open it. I don't know if I can yet. I want to, but in a way it kind of feels like if I empty out that box it'll make everything final. Like emptying out that box full of reminders of our two year relationship will prove to me that this is it; it's really over. And I don't think I'm ready for that yet.


	6. February

**February 4**

I opened the box today. I think the only reason I did was because today marks five months, and every month since you left me I've been writing over and over again how much I miss you, how much it hurts. It's always the same message in different words. I needed something new. My parents left to some seminar in DC so they'll be gone for a few days. I'm thankful for the house to myself anyways. But the box. It just sat there, in the corner of room since the day Burt gave it to me. He's a smart man, I think. I don't know how he figured out all the things in the box were important, but he did. There were a few little things in there, like the cards I got you for all the Valentines Days we spent together and the coupons we never used for the Lima Bean. There was a train ticket to New York and I remembered when you practically begged Burt to let you go with me for the day. We went site seeing and exploring and had breakfast at Tiffany's, and I'll never forget the way your eyes were lit up that entire day. You couldn't get enough of the city that never sleeps. I also found one of my hoodies and a t-shirt that I've been looking for for months. I knew you had it. At the bottom of the box I found your sketch book, the one full of clothing designs you barely ever let me see. I looked through them. God, you were so talented, Kurt. You would've made it in New York, I know you would've. I had to laugh when I pulled out that picture of us from your senior prom. That was the first time you ever saw me without gel in my hair because of Brittany's stupid gel ban. I tacked it to my wall, just above my bed. There was another one too, that Rachel or Mercedes must have taken of us without us noticing. In the picture, we're at school and your leaning against a set of lockers, looking at me and laughing. I must have stared at that picture for an hour, at least. I can't get over how happy you look there, how happy we _both _look. And the way the picture was taken, it seems so natural between us. You laughing and me with a stupid grin on my face. The last thing in the box was a folded up piece of loose leaf paper. It looked kind of old when I picked it up, the corners were bent and the paper a little crumbled. It had my name on it, but I didn't open it yet. I know what it is. I know why Burt put it at the bottom of the box. He wanted me to see it last, to go through everything before I started crying like a baby. It's your fucking goodbye, isn't it? You wrote me a fucking _letter_, and now I have to read it if I ever wanna know why, if I ever want closure. Jesus, Kurt. God, I'm not ready for that. It took me weeks just to go through that god damn box, when am I gonna be ready to read your goodbye?

**February 7**

I can't stop thinking about that goddamn letter. Part of me wants to read it so bad and the other part of me wishes it didnt exist. I can't decide if its better if I never know. Maybe it would be better if I never knew, but even I know there's no way anyone can stop me from reading that letter, no matter when I finally decide to read it. Maybe.. I don't know when I'll read it, but I know I will, eventually. Not now, though. I'm not ready to let you go yet.

**February 11**

Burt called today. He asked if I've read the letter yet. When I told him no he kind of sighed a little on the other end of the phone and it made me feel a little guilty. I think he's been waiting for me to read it and come talk to him. But that's another thing. Once I read this letter, what happens? What happens to Burt and Carole and Finn? I've never.. I don't know what to do when it comes to them. Burt is like a father to me, in a weird way. Even before we were dating he made me feel like I _belonged_, ya know? Like I was already a part of your family. And what about Carole? She's such a sweet women and even though she would never take the place of your mother I know how much she meant to you. You meant a lot to her too, Kurt. You meant a lot to all of us. I'll be seeing Finn around in school, at least for the rest of the year. But after I read this letter, after I read your goodbye, am I supposed to say goodbye to them too? Is it really over after that?

**February 14**

Fuck Valentine's Day. I hate it, I hate it so much. I hate seeing happy couples everywhere I go and I hate seeing them hold hands and kiss each other's foreheads. I hate seeing guys buying rings and necklaces and chocolates and candy for their girlfriends and I hate hearing girls squeal over them. I hate it because I haven't seen one gay couple; I haven't seen one guy give another guy an expensive ring or a girl giving another girl a rose and some chocolates. And I hate it because you're not here and I feel so alone and sad all the time, and I don't know how to make it go away. I just want to be happy, but I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

**February 17**

I couldn't find it in myself to go to school today. It's almost 2:30 and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. I just want to sleep all the time now. I don't even wanna eat. If it weren't for my mom and Rachel coming to check up on me all the time I probably wouldn't. If it were up to me I'd be in bed all the time. My mom let me have the day off today, though. I've been going to school regularly, especially because its getting close to the end of the year, but I needed a break.

**February 19**

Unfolding a piece of paper has never been so hard. Honesty, I was shaking so hard I couldn't even hold it still enough to pull it out of the envelope. Your handwriting, though. That's what got to me. Just like it did at Christmas. It's because it's you, a piece of you that I still have and it makes me feel like the stupidest guy in the world because I'm crying over another man's handwriting, but I can't help it. You wrote with the same wit and sarcasm that you've always had.

_Blaine,_

_I'm currently sitting at the desk in my bedroom. It's three in the morning and I'm not sure if I'm awake or not. I don't know how I'm supposed to start this letter; what I'm supposed to say. But I'm not saying goodbye. Before you finish reading, I want you to know that's not what this is - it's not my goodbye. _

I almost fucking peed myself. Jesus, Kurt. I was sitting there thinking the letter was you finally leaving me, breaking the only thing I have that still connects me to you. I sat there for ten minutes before I forced myself to keep going.

_I remember when I first met you. I pretended to be a new student at Dalton and honestly, was I really that bad of an actor? You saw right through me and you understood me so well. I think that's why I opened up to you that first day. And around that time things were so.. Bad and I couldn't help but think you were like my own little piece of.. Something. I'm not gonna say heaven because you know I don't believe in that kind of thing, but you get the point. _

_I can see you rolling your eyes at me right now - don't try to pretend you weren't, Blaine Anderson. The cheesy romantic crap is usually your job, but it's true. You were my own little secret, my own piece of something that no one else had and even though it took forever for us to finally get together, I'm so fucking glad we did. _

I started crying then, so hard it took me ten minutes to actually see the writing on the paper.

_Anyways, if you're reading this it probably means I'm not around anymore and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for leaving you in that hellhole of a town and I'm sorry that I didn't explain, but I hope to god this letter makes up for it. _

_You're expecting an explanation, a reason why I thought things were so fucking bad I had to hang myself from a ceiling fan to make the pain go away. I know you are. I would be wondering the same things. _

_Let me just start by saying that you were an amazing boyfriend. You're an amazing person, you never did a thing wrong and the fact that I've left you alone is one of the worst things about this. But I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't handle being pushed into lockers and thrown into dumpsters every god damn day. Getting slushied three times a week and harassed takes a toll on someone. __You're probably thinking 'why didn't I just go talk to you?' Because, Blaine. It's not that easy. It was never that easy. There's so many things, so many secrets that no one knew and if I tried to talk to you I would've had to tell them all, right from the beginning, and that's not something I could handle. _

_After a while you kind of become numb to the pain, the name calling and the bullying. But it never really goes away. You know that. And I was okay living with that pain, but it wasn't something anyone should ever in a million years have to go through. But then Karofsky started to send death threats again, I don't think I told you that. But he's probably long gone now too. Not dead, but gone. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved out of state. _

I stopped for a minute and thought about it. Karofsky had transferred two months ago.

_I don't.. There's not much else to explain, really. Just that being called a faggot and being told to die every fucking day really does have it's affect on people. And everyone wanted me gone, everyone wanted me dead. _

I didn't want you gone, god dammit. I need you.

_So I did it. Everybody got what they wanted, except for me and you. I know thats what you're thinking, because even as I'm writing this its what I'm thinking. We didn't get what we wanted. We didn't get to graduate together and get the fuck out of that town. We didn't get to live together in New York and we didn't get to get married and adopt kids and raise a family. We didn't get to sit in rocking chairs on our front porch and reminisce about our young love. We didn't get our fairy tale ending and I'm so fucking sorry._

_That's all I've ever wanted with you, Blaine. It's all I've ever wanted from the moment I met you. But we can't always get what we want, can we? _

_I know you're going to hold onto this letter, you're going fold it and unfold it again and again. You might not read it again, but you'll keep it. And I hope that you do. I hope you can keep this one little piece of me, because the world has taken everything else from you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I left you and I'm sorry that you're alone. I'm sorry that the best thing to happen to you was also the worst and I'm especially sorry that this is how our story ends. _

_But I want you to do something for me, Blaine. I want you to move on. I want you to graduate, and go to collage. I want you to meet someone new and fall in love again. I don't want you to be bitter because of me. God, I know it sounds sick and twisted, but I want you to be happy. I love you, I love you to the moon and the stars and all the way back to my heart, I hope you know that. _

_Yours always, _

_Kurt. _


	7. March

**March 3 **

I keep having these nightmares. Ever since i read the letter. It's dark, and you're sitting in your room at your desk with a piece of paper and a pen in front of you. But you're not writing, you're just staring ahead and I keep trying to reach out to you, to touch you on the shoulder and let you know that I'm there, that I'm listening, but i can never reach you. And then you stand up and walk over to your ceiling fan and reach for the belt to tie around your neck.. I usually wake up at that point but I'm sure you know how the rest goes.

**March 7**

I'm trying not to be angry. I don't want to be angry at you because you're not here and no matter how mad I am it's not gonna bring you back. But I still, even after that letter, i don't understand. I just _cant _understand. Why did it seem easier, better even, for you to kill yourself than to just come talk to me? You know I would've listened. You know it.

**March 9**

I went over to Burt's today. Carole was the only one home, but she was nice as always, and she let me go up to your room. It's been a while. Everything is still kind of the same - your bed, your walls, your posters, even your closet hasn't been touched. It's like they're waiting, waiting for you to come home and yell at Finn for sitting on your comforter or Burt for attempting to sift through all your clothes. They all still smell like you. They smell like your detergent and the cologne you always used to wear and I'm telling you right now I'll never get tired of it. I'll never get tired of the way you smell or the way you used to laugh at the stupidest things, or how you rolled your eyes and sighed whenever I made the puppy dog face at you. I'll never forget the little things, Kurt. The little things are always the most important things.

**March 15 **

Do you know what today is? 3 years. Well, it would've been. 3 years together, I mean. Three of the best years of my life with the most amazing person I've ever met and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. But you're not here and we're not together and there's no point in celebrating something that just isn't anymore. There's no more Kurt and Blaine, no more coffee dates or make out sessions, no more staying up til the crack of dawn texting, no more snuggling together on the couch for movie night or shooting each other looks from across the classroom. There's no more unexpected dates or late night phone calls and there's no more of everything that I grew to love and adore so much. I haven even gotten out of bed today, because it hurts too much. Especially today. It hurts to move and it hurts to breathe and it hurts to just _be._

**March 17**

I'm fighting this constant battle with myself. I can't stop blaming myself for what happened one minute, and the next minute I'm sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor crying because I miss you so fucking much. Jesus Kurt, I miss you so much and soemtimes I go to bed with one of your shirts on because it still smells like you and I think that maybe if I dream hard enough and long enough then I'll wake up and you'll be there, underneath the covers cuddled up next to me. But it never works, and day after day I go to bed with so much hope only to wake up the next morning with none. Hope, dream, disappoint, repeat.

**March 24**

People at school have stopped staring at me when I walk down the halls. I'm trying to decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. It means that the guy who's boyfriend killed himself 7 months ago isn't the talk of the school anymore. It means they've moved on. Maybe I should too.

**March 29**

I'm writing less and less frequently now, because I guess there just isn't much left to say. It would always be the same thing, over and over again. How much I miss you, how much I wish things were different and how much I want you to come back to me. But it doesn't matter how many times I beg who's ever listening or how many times I pray or cry myself to sleep because no matter what I'll wake up the next morning without you. I'll wake up and you'll still be gone and everything will still suck and I'll still want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the rest of my life. Nothing I do will change the fact that you're gone and you're never coming back.


	8. Letting Go

**A/N: This is it! This is the last chapter of Letting Go! Thank you so much to everyone that stuck with me, I know this hasn't been the easiest story to read and I know I wasn't so good about updating weekly. Now that I'm done with this one I'm working on another fic that I can hopefully start publishing in a few weeks. **

**Anyways, this last chapter skips ahead a few months from March to September. Enjoy!**

* * *

**September 4**

It's been a year. Today marks a year since I got that phone call. A year since my world and my life got flipped upside down. A year since the love of my life left me. This has by far been the hardest, worst goddamn year of my life. There's no denying that. I figured it out. That it doesn't get any easier, I mean. Being without you, it's still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and it probably always will be. I was so in love with you. I still am. Is it possible to be in love with someone who's gone? I don't know. I don't know where I'm going now. I graduated a little over three months ago, like you know. You should've been there with me, you should've been walking across that stage getting your diploma too. We should be settling down in New York by now, making out on an uncomfortable couch in our tiny shoebox apartment. But we're not. We never will be. My parents are moving to California, did I tell you that? They're tired of Ohio, they said. They wanna be closer to Cooper and they asked me if I wanted to go with them. Maybe I will. I don't know. I still don't know what to do. I haven't know what to do for a year. I want to go to college, I know that. But I don't know what to major in and I don't know where to go. There's so much I still have to figure out, because I don't have it all figured out like I did before. Before, I knew. I knew I was going with you to New York and I knew we were going to apply for NYADA, and I knew you were going to get in. I was hopeful that I would too, but I still had NYU as an option just in case. I still have the application around somewhere. And there's so much that I still don't know, but one thing I do know is that I'm not going to New York. I can't. New York and NYADA and a tiny shoebox apartment in the middle of the city were _our _dreams. Things we were supposed to do together. But now there's no we, there's only I and there's no us, there's only me. And I'm not doing that without you. I can't. It'll hurt too much. It still hurts. It hurts every fucking day and I don't think it will ever stop. Maybe eventually it'll just be a little ache in my heart, but as of right now it's not. It's still the most pain I've ever had and I don't think that's gonna change anytime soon. Anyways, all I really want is to be out of Ohio. I want to go to college and I want to graduate and get a job. Maybe I'll meet someone new, maybe I won't. But I want you to know that I'll never love another man a fraction as much as I loved you. Never in a million years. And if I do meet someone, there'll be days when I wish he were you and I'll wish I was holding you and kissing you and loving you. I'll never stop missing you, Kurt Hummel. But I'm letting you go; I have to let you go. I love you, I love you so fucking much. I'll never stop. I'm not saying goodbye, because we promised we'd never say goodbye. But I have to let you go.


End file.
